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Again

Then it hits again. Like my chest is filled with stones. Making me lower my already fragile body to the ground. It’s an ache, not a pain. It’s intense, burning stronger with every breath.

Is this the last time? Hopefully.

It doesn’t make you stronger, only weaker. Everytime it reduces your capacity to fight it. To bury it. To move on. No one can help. Because no one feels what you do.

Only you.

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Late

How can you tell if what you feel, is love? Or hate?

How can both feelings clash so hard, like the raging waves onto rocks. Over and over. Barely getting chance to catch a breath between blows.

Does the desire to keep going, mean it’s love? Or are we addicted to the pain of hate, feeling invalid. Worthless.

How do you know when to turn and run towards drier land, or throw yourself in to the unknown to be consumed, filling your lungs with water? To be weighed down, to find eternal peace in the deep darkness?

I guess we never really know. We end up waiting for someone else to make that decision on our behalf. Then blame them for the outcome. When all along you have the choice for yourself, you just couldn’t make it.

But now it’s too late

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Real

I feel it. I know that you do too. Something, just there, right in the depths, stirring up the darkness, untouched feelings rising to the surface. It’s hard to know how to deal with them, right? It’s scary.

I can’t help but feel, that here, is exactly where I am supposed to be. No matter what is thrown in to distract me, the tides of jealousy and bitterness lunging between us. It melts away with your warmth, and brings my soul closer.

There’s something. So real about the way you touch me. The way you make my skin feel with just a single breath upon it. I will fight to see this through. As for once, I believe.

This is real.

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Think

It’s hard to trust, when you’ve been lied to

The same way it’s hard to love, someone new

When everyone you’ve ever cared about, has left on bad terms

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Gone

Erase everything. Settings. Account. Delete. One by one. Everything gone. Everything. No trace, no pictures, no blogs, links or social media. Disappear. No one look at me, I don’t want you to see my face. Out of sight, out of mind. Forget everything you ever learned or loved about me. For I am gone.

Gone

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Rain

Walking. Concentrating on one step after another, is it too fast? Is it to slow? I wonder if people know, if they can see this walk has so much intention, so much passion and pain all ravelled in to one. No finish line, yet. Just determination to get to wherever it is I’m going.

I had no idea what there was waiting for me when I got there, Infact the opposite. I didn’t know where I was going, just what I was trying to get away from. I wanted to go. Take off. I had no plans to look back. This was the day. It was actually the 8th day that I had made this journey. Days scattered apart over 6 years, no one else knew of these journeys, because I had never managed to reach the destination.

Stopped. Stationary. Frozen on the pavement. My legs decided here would do for now. Silence, darkness, the odd orange glow spaced evenly in the distance. Wind pushed me from behind, my hood sheltering me from the chill slightly, but I could still sense the bitterness across my cheeks and nose. A car approached head on and by instinct I bowed my head and pulled my hood over tighter. No one must see my face, I don’t want anyone to look at me, see me, remember me. Once passed, my senses were heightened, the darkness, the breeze making the leaves on the hedge to my right dance. I stood there for what seemed like an hour, but maybe it was minutes.

I don’t know how I got here, it’s lighter than my last stop, I don’t recall the steps I took or path I followed. All I know is the breeze is stronger, the air feels frosty, my hands are cold and they are bare, gripping to the railing infront of me. As I look down, line after line leading into the distance, the blackness between them seemed so deep. All I had to do now was wait for a car.

Sitting in the floor cross legged, I light a cigarette. Hands purple and white. Winter was ending and spring was literally just around the corner, however the chill tonight was eery. Maybe it knew. I was ready. I resumed my earlier position, it was fairly easy to climb over, really sturdy, enough foot room on the outside to make my stand with confidence. Arms outstretched behind me this time. I look down, looks further than before. Do I hold my breath? Do I turn to face the other way? Everything stopped. Complete stillness and silence. No breeze, no distant road noise. No rustling leaves.

*ding ding* my phone. I had a text. It shattered the moment. First one for days. Spinning myself around and pulling myself to the railing, using one hand I unlock my phone. There it was. It read “oi, dickhead, what you upto? U ok?” On a small window, with a picture of my daughter and I in the background. I stared. Suddenly a sharpness hit my cheek, bringing my attention back. Then another, and another, followed by a flurry of heavy drops. I tilted my head back, my face completely pelted by raindrops, they merged with tears. It was short, bitter sweet, but it was enough.

I’m sat back on the tarmac, it’s wet, but milder than before. I don’t remember climbing back over or sitting down. Face still dripping, I look back to the sky. It’s so so clear. So deep and dark, but undoubtedly beautiful.

I’m home. My legs ache. Curled up in bed but fully dressed, face feels all tight and the bedside lamp is so bright.

Tomorrow is another chance